I needed a break..
From playing the role of the cool girl, not expecting anything else, from it being ok that we only see each other at midnight, from losing sleep thinking if he’ll call, from using my body as an object and not as a whole being with a soul. What is it to be an object of desire? Its boring.
“Wow you are beautiful. I love your eyes,” a male slut will say.
“Thank you. I’ll let my mother and father know you think so for I had nothing really to do with the matter. I know exactly how I look and well my looks don’t make you any smarter or interesting so lets talk about the trade policies between China and America shall we?”
Blank stare. We’ve got a dummy on our hands. The type of man I like to call a basic bitch; couch, refrigerator, football; the perfect trifecta. He never wants to be “bothered” with emotions or female thoughts or anything that doesn’t include you being naked or cooking. He’s severely competitive in completely non-important ways; sports, girls, talking shit… Once upon a time it used to be money but he has quietly given up due to the fact most women he’s knows are more educated and earn more money than he does. Spar with me I say. Convince me of your line of thinking in any topic you choose. I’ll give you that but no… he wishes to be passive aggressively cool, not giving a fuck until the day he realizes the women in his age group not only have done more than he has; travel, home ownership, career promotions but are also in better shape, mentally happier, and more at peace than he is. That day he will lay down and submit.
I’m trying to spend more time with myself. To disconnect from the noise of culture, friends, news, and men. I’ve started to date myself. It’s been 3 months and we haven’t had a fight yet. I will do this until I can sort out the purpose for having a man in my life. Thus far I have one reason. Sex. Orgasims to be exact. That wonderful rush of oxytocin that runs through our bodies when we receive pleasure, stimulation. That is my starting off point. The foundation to the house that I’m not sure I even want. The other obvious list of reasons to hold on to a man just doesn’t seem to stand on any logic.
- Financial security- Women are quickly taking the majority of head of household status in the U.S. What once was a necessity for survival now seems would jeopardize my personal wealth.
- Companionship- Women on average speak 13,000 more words a day than man. I’m going to kick it Dolly Parton style. Live with women. Also I don’t want to have to tell a man what to do. My own friends constant battle of getting their significant other to put his socks in the hamper. No thanks. If I want to spend time with my male suitor we’ll make plans or continue a lovely evening into morning brunch but at some point.. he’s got to go.
I’ve come up with two reasons to have a man, how sad. Dear reader, please feel free to add to the list as I know I am coming up short.
I have a choice to make. Love one man. Work with him, nag him, push him (not too hard) to become a better person, love him at his worst. Hope he brings home some money and one day puts some of his own needs aside. He will live longer, healthier, and make more money because of your sacrifices. Or I could help a village, community, or group. I could work with women’s groups to help heal their wounds through from past and current oppressions. Give them courage to embrace the new culture of women’s empowerment. Talk about family planning and healthy lifestyle choices. I can do this in my own backyard or across the world. I can do this because I am a 29 year old woman living in 2015 where I am not property, or a domestic slave tethered to my husband like a puppy on a leash. Disclaimer: To all my friends who have decided to go the companion route, I’m sure you’ve stopped reading by now, none of this is to insult you. I know you and your partners. They are good men who love and care for you. You have made the decision with your eyes wide open to love this person. I on the other hand have not met such a man that will feed me energy, creativity, love and support. I have only met men that deplete me. So no this is not to convince you to leave your significant other but to urge you always to question the choices you make and not live by society’s “rules”.
I have to admit it. I am pissed. I am mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. Who is the most dangerous demographic in the world? Men 16-25.
From 16-25 the adolescent brain has not fully formed, resulting in the tendency to act impulsively without regard to risk. City names now read like a memorial service; Charleston, Ft. Hood, Newtown, Aurora and plenty more that don’t appear on our radar because 3 or less were killed. Desensitized, discouraged, and disabled feelings come to mind when thinking of solutions for this epidemic of violence. Its obvious mental illness plays a vital role. We duly look at the individual to blame guilt, than the parents, school, and community but what about the overall society at large.
Looking past the individuals who create such senseless violence, on a broader scale we see gangs, terrorists(both governmental and non state actors) and other fringe gropus as the culprits for mass violence. Now, the world is getting safer. Statistically speaking there are less violent deaths, deaths from war, and violence against women. However, the remaining groups that are creating such havoc are men. The top chain of command in these organization may be older but the ones that are doing their bidding, those so impressionable minds, are between the ages of 16-25. I do believe we are not taking into account the deaths caused by corporations. The new leader of violence is stemming from lack of water, food, medicines and other resources caused by cold, heartless, money driven corporations. These entities make it far too easy to put down our morals and ethics when we are pulling the trigger from a continent away.
Recently on IG I read, Love a Man and Save the World. Perplexed by this picture staring back at me from my phone I wondered is this the reason I should claim a man? Is this my duty as a person who wants to help make this work a better place? The jury is still out.
The feminist literature I read helps me make better choices with the men I decide to give my time too. A mild dose of anger helps remove the forced smile across my lips. The heated debates that persists in my head forces me to walk away at a moments notice of a broken man. All I know is I refuse to make myself small, quiet, and docile. If my aggressive, passionate, business-like behavior makes you uncomfortable that’s okay for You will never be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with and I like me.